The deaths we meet
The deaths we meet
Most men are taught to carry grief, not to feel it. Grief does not keep to a timetable.
Carried, not felt
The funeral gets organised. The forms get filled in. Everyone else gets looked after. Then Monday comes and work starts again. Many men grieve like that, and from the outside it looks like coping.
It can be coping. It can also be grief put on a shelf, where it waits.
How it comes out
Anger at small things. Drinking more. Not sleeping, or sleeping too much. Going quiet. Throwing yourself into work. None of these makes you a bad man. They are common ways grief shows up when it has not been given anywhere else to go.
No timetable
There is no correct length of time. Some days will be fine and then a song, a smell or a date will flatten you. That is normal. If, after a long time, you still cannot function day to day, that is worth taking to your doctor.
What tends to help
Saying their name out loud. Telling one person the true version of how you are. A walk. Writing down what you would have said. Letting it take as long as it takes.
Talk it through
The SI guide can help you think about your own version of this. It is not James, and not a professional of any kind.